Jurnal Debbie Cousins, 20 Okt 23

Whipping with a belt is child abuse. Did the police arrest him? No matter what she is doing that is child abuse. 

Agreed. Hitting with anything other than an open hand is clearly abusive. Not a fan of spanking either, but sometimes justified. And hitting a teenage girl? Absolutely not ok. 

Courage Debbie. We'll pray for your family.  

He would have to hit me first to get to her. And he would only get one chance to do that. 

That poor child! If she has to beaten to go with her Dad, maybe there's a reason she doesn't want to go. This makes me so sad.  

Yikes. Horrible.  

Right or wrong, physical discipline in Virginia is legal, as long as you don't obstruct the child's airway or hit them in the head. I only know that because Child Protective Services came about a month ago because a claim had been made against him for the last time he "spanked" her. The police did not do anything except recommend that he didn't drag her down the stairs to put her in the car, since that's what he told them he was going to do. Maebie IS totally out of control right now, but I don't think that hitting her with a belt will make her behave any better! Unfortunately, I don't know what WILL work at this point. Any suggestions? 

Agreed, YOH.  

Is she in therapy? It sounds to me like there is something deeper happening. Maybe a neutral party to talk to would help? Talk to her school first -- they usually have someone on staff that can see her quickly. But ideally a pediatric behavioral specialist to get everyone on the same page with expectations and discipline. I'm sorry, a grown man hitting an adolescent female with a belt may be legal, but it's definitely not right. 

One has to wonder why she's out of control though. It must be very difficult, rearing children these days. 

shirfleur, as someone who was raised with verbal abuse, I know that I sure as heck acted out. The book "What Happened to You " says the question is not, "What's wrong with this child?" The question is, "What happened to this child?" Debbie, my heart hurts for you 💔 It sounds to me as if the whole family needs help. I don't know if you can influence them to get it. You can be a loving influence in her life. I'll hope for healing for your family 🙏 

So sorry all this is happening. The father is a mess, now the child is a mess. We see it so often in this culture. In my extended family, I see children indulged with no (loving) discipline when young, then when they grow and become wild, the parents revert to anger and hopelessness. Drugs, alcohol, and sex soon become rampant along with the anger and depression on both sides. It's a wonder we ever grow up. I will continue praying for you and yours. 

Cheesegobbler84, the 7-year-old is my grandson. My grand daughter just turned 13. Regarding therapy: I think the whole family needs it - especially the parents and my grandkids. My grandson has been acting out, too. His teacher is at her wits end with him. One day he got mad and threw his desk! Another day, he pulled everything out of all the children’s cubby holes and threw it on the floor. Thankfully, he doesn’t have quite as much drama in his life since they moved here in July and his parents aren’t fighting every day. Both kids are co-parented. My third grandchild (from my son - the other two are my daughter’s) just turned 17, and has been transgender since he was TEN. HE’s on hormone blockers and gets testosterone treatments. I feel like there is enough dramatic conflict in my life to air as a weekly reality show! 

Debbie, TMI but i was a victim of child abuse both physical and sexual from the age of 7-14.. i started acting out about the age of 8. Not in the way you are describing your grandchildren but becoming withdrawn and stubbornly refusing to participate in the family. There are many ways of acting out. My brother did what you say the 7 year old is doing. Bullying other kids at the age of 6 when his abuse started (i was 15 by then and had left the home). I would STRONGLY recommend that you or someone sits these children down individually and find out what is going on. I was also beaten with a leather belt and wooden spoons and whatever was handy. It didnt fix the problem just made me more determined not to cry. Call children’s protective services and have them open an investigation. Is this their biological father or stepfather? Stepfathers are statistically far more likely to abuse their stepchildren. Is there alcohol or drugs involved with the father? Or the mother/your daughter? You dont need to answer on this forum just food for thought. I agree with writingwyo-it really isn’t what is wrong with the child . The question is what has happened to the children. I was labeled a “bad” kid by my mom from a very young age. It wasn’t till i was 12 that i ran away the first time and she found out what was happening but did not protect me nor believe me. When i was 18 my abuser was arrested for molesting his friends young daughters and my mom finally believed it was true. These kids need therapy and a protector. God be with you and your whole family. Im so sorry this is happening. Sadly its not an uncommon story. 

Based on previous comments you made, your son in law "kicked" his family out of their home & your daughter & the kids had to come & live in your basement. You've also made comments that your daughter wasn't properly parenting your grandson when he was having some medical issues. It sounds like both parents need some guidance on parenting. Your grandchildren would also benefit with some counseling. These children have been living in turmoil & it is understandable, they are acting out. I don't care what is legal, if my grandchildren were living in my home I would not allow mistreatment of this manner. 

I’ll just say it. Quit enabling this behavior. 

YOH, it’s Maebie’s biological father. He and my daughter have been separated since Maebie was 3-1/2. She has her Tuesday- Friday, and he has her Saturday through Monday. So sorry about your painful childhood. It’s amazing that you turned out to be the wonderful person you are! Because of the misbehavior at school, it was ordered that my daughter take Jack for both a physical and psychological assessment so they can make an IEP (Individualized Education Program) and maybe get a helper in the classroom. SherryeB, yes, the kids have both been living in turmoil, and I’m sure that is a major contributor to their misbehavior. I am going to push for them all to get family counseling! We had to do that with both our kids when they were teenagers. Maybe things would have turned out even worse if we hadn’t! 

Debbie, im always suspicious by nature when i hear these stories, because of my childhood. Yes, God protected me and watched over me. I’ve been told more than once that i should write a book. Until i had my own child at 25 i was a classic story of one step forward two steps back. I remember so many times wanting to give up. Where i got my drive and ambition from i have no idea. My mom was a 9th grade drop out (tho highly intelligent but painfully shy) and my dad was an 8th grade dropout. School was never a priority for them but always for myself. I would say that was God giving me a push to change the trajectory. Both my brother and i became highly successful in the corporate world (tho he didnt get his footing till his 40’s) but we are both wracked with demons from our youth. I still get nightmares. It would not surprise me to find out that there has been some type of abuse, even just what you mentioned is abuse and horrific. Maybe the dad, a friend of the moms or dads, an adult somewhere. Something. Kids dont act out like this without cause. 

Katsolo, stop enabling WHOSE behavior? 

I feel compassion and understanding for your granddaughter. Her biological parents separated when she was 3 1/2. She has been shuffled back and forth between two homes for 10 years. Now recently her mom separated from another father figure in her life and she is back in your basement with you often acting as a parental figure. How many other wives/ girlfriends has she had as mother figures while at her biological fathers home. Was she close to the man her mother recently separated from and does she have an ongoing relationship with him. She is a child and doesn’t deserve a whipping for expressing she doesn’t want to go to her biological fathers homes. Many of those coparenting arrangements are more for the benefit that both parents can deduct the child on their tax returns and no one pays child support to the other. You asked for suggestions…so that is mine. You can figure out the solution.