Jurnal Snowwhite100

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14 Oktober 2023

I'm okay. Thank you all for your prayers.

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
56,9 kg	0 kg	2,4 kg	Cukup Baik

(9 komentar) Kehilangan 0,4 kg dalam 1 minggu

05 Oktober 2023

Thankfully, the last seven weeks have been the quietest ones for me in a year or two. My husband has not hit me again since August 17th, and there have even been some days that he isn't mad at me. It's so quiet that I wonder if he's partially giving me the silent treatment, but for the first time in my life I don't even care because I am trying to be very quiet not even giving him suggestions or monitoring anything. Today he was mad saying (mistakenly) that I turned off his oxygen machine twice while he was still in bed. I very much want his best, and don't believe he is correct but caught myself from defending and apologized and said I never intended to. I drive him anywhere he wants, but he's driving himself some when he isn't dizzy. He does yard work picking weeds, plays on his computer, watches TV, and porn. I mentioned in my last journal maybe I would tell what happened in this last incident, but I know that will open a can of worms with some FS members who don't know my whole story telling me to leave. I am wound up today after going to dinner last night with our (out of state) son-in-law since this is only the second time we've seen him since our daughter (his wife) died of cancer eleven months ago. Then today I had a counseling session with “Independent Living” a community-based help for seniors and caregivers, and we talked about our daughter and grief. I dare not mention to her “any” abuse or she will report us again to Adult Protective Services which might trigger my husband. That's not an easy thing since I believe that would put me in so much more danger I would have to leave and go into a shelter. I am wondering if I should tell exactly what happened to document it, in case it continues getting worse and I feel I “have to” leave forever and lose our home of 52 years until my husband is dead, in jail, or totally incapacitated. He does not use a cell phone so there are no texts and I can't think of any other witness but my next-door neighbor, and that was only words and he has not “seen” anything. My one friend I talk to is so sick I expect her to die any day now and I am not on any other social media than FatSecret. I will turn 82 this month and only make $530.00 a month, not enough to live on. My very bad back would make almost any job too difficult. You don't really want me to move into my car to live with the more than 75,000 homeless living in Los Angeles County. A shelter isn't going to keep me for the rest of my life. I believe I would not be safe living here in our home if he is triggered, and he doesn't care about a restraining order or going to jail. First I will tell you how I offended my husband, but it was so slight that I believe no normal person would take serious offense, or would at least discuss it, which shows how truly volatile he is and that he is escalating. I tell you this to take responsibility for my part. On August 17th we went out to dinner at an Italian restaurant and he asked for more sauce for his pasta. They brought a little bowl and after spooning most of it on, set the little bowl down with maybe two or three tablespoons of sauce left in it. As we were going to leave I suggested putting the extra sauce onto his left-overs that he was taking home. He said he didn't want to so I suggested if he did, maybe I could cook a little extra pasta at home and it would then make a meal for both of us. Now maybe that was insensitive of me to move into a position of not immediately agreeing with him. I admit that and want to and try to (for safety), but sometimes I forget myself, being so used to trying to be frugal. I had driven my husband around for the afternoon for what he wanted so felt I had gone out of my way for him sufficiently that day, and didn't think fast enough and didn't realize he felt strongly about it. It may have been a little of a hard day for me since it was our son's (who was killed by the drunk driver) Birthday. My husband didn't even know that was the day. I don't remember if the waiter asked me about it or if I just indicated to the waiter that he could just put them together. That's where I made my big mistake. Then I saw my husband's face and knew he was upset. As the waiter walked away I called out to him, but the waiter either didn't hear me or ignored me. No one wants to pack up 2 or 3 tablespoons of something separately. I should have gotten up and ran after the waiter or gone to the kitchen to rectify it, because he brought the container of pasta with the extra sauce in it, against my husband's wishes. My husband did not speak to me on the way home or even after we got home. I went and laid down to rest my painful back from driving. After a half hour or so my husband called me into the kitchen. Without any warning or either of us saying anything, he grabbed me and pushed my head into the kitchen sink and while holding me with one hand he grabbed the leftover pasta with the tomato sauce and started rubbing it hard back and forth across my face. As it would fall into the sink he picked it up with his hand and continued rubbing it hard back and forth across my face. I was so shocked and dismayed I can't remember if he had me by the hair or maybe my neck pushing down on my head so he could be forceful with the rubbing back and forth. He was rubbing so hard the tomato sauce was getting in my eyes burning; the sauce was all down my good clothes, and even my good watch. He rubbed back and forth about three to five times with each handful and he picked it up again about four times as it would drain through his fingers for about 15 to 20 “rub” strokes. He was yelling at me throughout the entire incident that I should not have spoken for him, and to never speak for him again, and that we may kill each other. Then he picked up the aluminum dish the pasta came home in, and with my head still over the sink started hitting me on the head with the dish. The dish was so thin it crinkled with the first hit, but he continued hitting my head with it about 10 or so times, with the dish flattened, it was really his fist hitting my head. I may have had a slight concussion because I was so stunned and disoriented. I finally called out: “Satan, I resist you and your demons in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, my Savior. My husband stopped hitting me. As I stood up he asked me what I said, but I didn't answer. I was covered with tomato sauce and even had pasta in my hair. I wandered into the garage, opened the automatic garage door, and wandered out onto the driveway with my arms outstretched to the sides because I was all wet. He must have also poured some water over my head that was sitting in something in the sink like he had last year. My next-door neighbor was just getting out of his car in the street and I said to him: “My husband hit me.” He said: “I can't help you. Do you want to come into my house?” He had recently had an altercation with my husband and didn't want to start any trouble. I said no to his invitation (he is single now) and slowly started up my driveway to go back into my house because I was afraid my husband would lock me out of our home again like he did last year. Then I might have to either go to a neighbor's or call the police since I didn't have my purse or car keys. If I call the police, I firmly believe I would be in more danger, and would have to go “no contact”, leaving my home, and nearly everything I own. If a victim leaves a severe Narcissist they are in 70% more danger. If you don't believe me watch YouTube “Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner” at TED (15 minutes long) with her 4.3M views and her 10,019 comments. Yes, her abuse was much worse, but she was young and could leave and work. I can't. My eyes burned all night from the acid in the tomato sauce, and recently he said he may do it again. Incidentally, my husband has never apologized for any abuse like some abusers do. Before anyone says for me to leave, or call the police, please read my last journal (Sept 16th), and the two comments I left of explanations to others. If you click on my name it will take you to my Profile page and you can click on “Posts” to find all my journals listed with the last one first. If you think I shouldn't have left this journal, I'm sorry, please forgive me. After praying for 3 days this week for the Lord's will, I realize I'd rather die than leave.

(34 komentar)

04 Oktober 2023

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
57,5 kg	0 kg	3,1 kg	Buruk

Tambahkan Komentar Kehilangan 0,1 kg dalam 1 minggu

16 September 2023

My dieting is going better now but is still slow. In the last 5 months, I have had wine 5 times and averaged having (a sugar) dessert once every 10 days. Bread products continue to be a constant problem and I have averaged partaking once every 5 days. I continue Intermittent Fasting daily from 16 to 20 hours a day. As almost all of you know, it's tough. I have about 9 pounds to go to get back where I was last November when our daughter died of cancer. I love my FS friends here and I want to make contact. Your support and prayers have been life-giving. My life is lonely but I do not participate in any other social media. My intention when I joined FS about 5 years ago was for health and to try Keto and Intermittent Fasting. I had scared myself twice while driving and was worried about my memory. My life is complicated and I would never advise others to try to do what I am doing: live with an abusive husband. But so far, I “want” to do it. There are many reasons but often when I write about it to get some off my chest, some people, not knowing my circumstances insist I leave. If I tell you what's happening to release some of my pent-up emotions I seem to get on a roll and can't quit writing. It's hard for me to endure the comments (some private messages) that I write too much, that I'm mentally ill, that I'm focused on possessions, and all the forms of my stupidity for staying. The mental abuse is the same: almost daily angry at me. The physical abuse has gotten worse so I believe he is escalating and more dangerous. But I also believe it would be worse to leave. The worst of it was only one incident four weeks ago and while he absolutely physically abused and humiliated me I am okay. Few know about or understand how varied the symptoms of true Narcissism are, so if you either happen to be in an abusive situation or want to know more, Dr. Ramani on YouTube is the finest expert. The last video of hers that I watched was “Scary personality traits that make narcissists EXTREMELY dangerous.” I can't relate to what happened without going over why I want to stay. To save space I won't give the comments or questions that these reasons of mine target.

The altruistic reasons I want to stay are meaningless to some. My neighbor and some others say he doesn't matter. But he matters to me and he matters to God. My husband was the love of my life, I still love him, he needs me, and I've wanted to finish my course with honor. I promised “for better or worse” and being almost (next month) 82 years old I was raised in a culture of non-divorce and “stand by your man”. I don't readily hear from God but since I want my husband's best I assume my “want to” is the Lord's will. And I am going on the premise that it will have to be the Lord to tell me if I need to leave. I try not to think about the possibility that in my humanness I may get so upset or hurt that I might run. The Lord has held me so far, so I am hoping I can stay close enough to Him to know what is best to do. As of four weeks ago I am moving closer to allowing for the possibility that I might not be able to handle what's coming. But as of a week ago I know I still don't want to leave and “just for today” I don't need to know what tomorrow will bring. I can only throw myself on the mercy of the Lord. Here I have a warm place to sleep and food to eat. I believe I am safer here than leaving. What would it look like if I left? If a victim of someone with serious Narcissist Personality Disorder leaves, it is 75% more dangerous than staying. They are usually great people with everyone else in their life (as is my husband) but want complete control over their victim. If the victim leaves, the perpetrator has nothing more to lose. I realize now that if I ever left him, it would never again be safe to be with him alone. Think O.J. Simpson. He has threatened to shoot me, to cut off my legs, and many other things, and 4 weeks ago he said we may kill each other. He already is speaking of suicide, his brother did it. Two years ago he wrote goodbye notes to me, his nephew, and our daughter and took money out of the bank for her. This year in May and June he was again speaking of suicide. In July he said he would smash my face in and break all my teeth. A week ago he said, referring to the physical abuse he did 4 weeks ago, he may do it again plus worse. My only alternative would be to go “no contact” for the rest of my life. To move away entirely, to disappear. I couldn't stay in our home or in our little cabin. I think he would come to kill me and commit suicide. Yes, there are shelters, but for how long? Then what? Here are some facts. I mentioned I am almost 82. I have a very bad back, being born with fractures in L5 vertebrae and 3 bulging disks. I have sciatica from my back part of the time. When I cook or clean for more than about a half hour or so I have to go sit or lay down for a while. Last year he closed our savings account and opened new ones in only his name. I can't touch them. He even took my Social Security savings. He suggested he may give it to the poor, and in case he files for divorce (which he has threatened) I'm sure he would hide it and I would never get a penny of it. I make $530.00 a month for Social Security. Last year when he wanted me to leave it was $470.00. He gets $200.00 a month in Social Security so that wouldn't help. He took a lower pension 25 years ago so “the surviving spouse” would get a pension if he dies. I do not want to “trigger” him to get a divorce. He is very vindictive! If he gets triggered or “shaken up” I believe he is capable of anything, like burning the house down. On $530. a month I'd have to live in my car. At 82 years old? That's not very safe. What about my bad back? I have no relatives to go to. Those people who tell me to leave may not realize my age and assume I have a job. If someone was nice enough to let me sleep on their couch, for how long would that work? Would you want me on your couch for years? Would you pay for my food, doctors, and medicine? My heart has 3 leaky valves and an electrical problem. What about my clothes and possessions? Plus I would be miserable worrying about my husband. When he drives he goes through stop signs and red lights. It would be devastating to my husband's physical health if I left, and he would probably die quickly. He has a myriad of physical problems. He has heart failure, COPD, and cancer that has already spread to his lymph although it seems in remission. He wears a CPAP and oxygen at night plus some during the day. Many ask about a “home” for him. They don't put you in a “home” for being mean. Plus we do not qualify for Medicaid because of our little cabin and small savings. No, I don't want to leave my comfortable home of 52 years even though I've slept on the couch for a year since he locked me out of the house and the bedroom. I'm grateful to have a warm place to sleep and food to eat. Thank you, Lord. If you can hold onto all that maybe tomorrow I can tell you what he did. Does it matter?

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
57,8 kg	0 kg	3,4 kg	Cukup Baik

(19 komentar) Kehilangan 0,3 kg dalam 1 minggu

08 Agustus 2023

Today is the anniversary of our son's death, so of course I'm thinking of the circumstances. He was a passenger in a small Toyota pickup truck with his best friend driving and his friend's 15-year-old girlfriend in the middle. They had just dropped off our son's 16-year-old girlfriend. It must have been crowded sitting in that small truck but the guys probably liked that. They were on a street just 2 blocks below ours, but over near the golf course. The drunk driver came out of the bar at the golf course from celebrating his 31st Birthday. He had already received 3 DUIs. Fortunately, he was alone because he went on the wrong side of the road and hit the 3 kids head-on and was dead at the scene. Our son's best friend is now a paraplegic, his 15-year-old girlfriend used a walker for 6 months but recovered. Our son didn't have a seat belt on and I'm guessing he flew up and hit the metal at the top of the windshield because he had a bad wound across his forehead. I met a policeman later that told me he was at the scene and that he cried about the accident when he got home. Another of our son's friends that went to the scene and came to our house in the middle of the night to tell us about the accident has since committed suicide. He told others that our son asked “What's wrong with my body”. His neck must have snapped back because he had brain stem damage so was probably paralyzed pretty quickly. It comforts me to think probably he didn't have pain. I've read Joni Erickson Tada's book about her swimming accident and she said after she dove in water shallower than she knew, she didn't have pain, she just couldn't move her body and her friends had to rush in and save her. Her life story is very inspirational. She has a little movement of her shoulder area and paints with a brush in her mouth. Being in a wheelchair all her life has been very, very hard. She has a big ministry to the disabled out in the Calabasas area that 2 of my friends worked at. Her many books about her life and struggles are well known. A doctor told me that day that worse things could happen to our son than death. My husband wouldn't even go to the hospital with me to find our son. I went alone to our close local hospital and saw the guys sitting outside with the rescue squad and asked them if they had been to the scene in our neighborhood and when they said yes I pumped them for as much information as I could. I learned that our son had been airlifted to another hospital further away and that he was unconscious and his eyes were fixed and dilated. I called my husband at home at that point and asked him please to go with me to the second hospital. He refused. I got a little lost going to the other town to find the hospital but I clearly remember my panic driving there alone and assuming our son had brain damage. It felt like Jesus was sitting in the passenger seat of my car so I wouldn't be alone. I have never felt His presence greater. But He is still sustaining me or I couldn't live the roller coaster life I live. I think my husband is slowly getting worse. He hasn't hit me again since I wrote about the last time on 7/3 but he is angry almost every day over something. I must still be in denial about our daughter's death because I just can't believe she's gone. Whenever I call our son-in-law in Arizona her voice is still on the answer phone. I don't know if I'm grieving more for her or for my marriage. My brain feels like mush but I think I am changing very slowly. I'm not quite as defensive to my husband's abuse. I think I only got angry at him and snapped at him only once this last week. Maybe I averaging once or twice a week. Or maybe I'm just being optimistic. I'm so tired emotionally I am caring less about many things. And that's probably good. It may be a little protection to me later. After 62 years of marriage and knocking myself out trying my best my priorities may be changing slightly. I've been one with stunted growth, especially emotionally. Change is probably a good thing. I don't know. I think in grief we just get worn down. If that makes me less sensitive, I'm just flowing with it. I'm not crying, I'm just trying to cope each day. So much doesn't get done. There's just not enough left of me to go around. I find myself not caring about things so passionately. I say I'm not crying but I "feel like" I have been, and that I'm tired out from crying so much. Maybe I just cried inside.

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
59,6 kg	0 kg	5,2 kg	Cukup Baik

(34 komentar) Kehilangan 0,6 kg dalam 1 minggu

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