Jurnal Snowwhite100

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02 Januari 2024

Happy New Year. Most of us, including me, have gained through the Holidays. My official weight to start the year, yesterday was 129.6 so I am down almost a half pound. My first goal this year is to give up sugary desserts or limit them to once or twice a month. Next, I'm considering how often I want to allow myself to have a glass of wine until I lose an as-yet-undecided amount of weight. Although my husband has not hit me again since August 17, I am still more upset since that time so I don't want to exclude that little luxury while I am making dinner, when he is particularly belligerent. Again, nearly two weeks ago he told me he may do it again, He has no remorse about repeatedly hitting me, so I feel much more betrayed and on guard. I still do not want to leave him and our home but realize I have no idea what each new day will bring. His heart is slowly getting worse. He often feels the need for more oxygen and thinks his oxygen equipment is defective. The doctor says it's not his COPD getting worse, but the problem is his heart. Last week he had 5 different doctor appointments plus lab work and a PET scan. His cancer has continued to shrink on its own. Very strange. My next goal for the new year is to start (again) going to our neighborhood senior exercise class. I stopped last year because of my back and the painful sciatica. Yesterday the other leg was very painful from sciatica, but I still hope to exercise more. I continue to jog very gently on my little Rebounder mini trampoline while watching television in my living room. I am averaging from 20 to 30 minutes a day but usually not all at once. Occasionally I will do about 10 minutes at once but more often I only do 2 or 3 minutes at one time. In fact, my new thing is that I am having a little more problem with my heart so am jogging perhaps a little slower than I did for my back problems, and even get off the Rebounder occasionally if I start getting the pressure in my chest. I do have 3 leaky valves and the cardiologist gave me some Nitro patches. At 82, I'm finally getting some restrictions in my veins and arteries. I'm so very grateful to the Lord that I can be up and active to drive, shop, cook, sew, and do dishes & laundry, even though my back starts hurting quite a bit when standing or at the sewing machine for more than a few minutes. Actually, I can still get down on my knees to wash my wood floors, it's just harder to get up. Unfortunately, my house is not clean, and I am ashamed of it. I have not done any gardening in a year except to trim the 70 rose bushes once or twice last year. That will be a goal of mine as spring approaches. I have small raised beds to grow vegetables in that laid fallow last year because the sciatica lasted 15 months. It was a hard year with our daughter dying of her cancer. I still can't believe she is gone, especially after losing our son to the drunk driver. We are very alone now, but the Lord is very gracious to me. I wish my husband had that in his life too. I pray constantly for his salvation. I know with his NPD that is remote but I constantly pray for it. It is sunny and beautiful here today in Los Angeles, with a high of about 60. I bought some discount coupons offered once a year at a massage school about 20 miles or so from me for only $27. for a 50-minute session. That was my Christmas present to myself with my Social Security money. Wow, I got a $13.00 raise for this year for a grand total of $543.00 a month. I think it's very good for me to get out and I've decided to join my neighborhood gals who go out to lunch once a month. I deserve it. I may even eat dessert.

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
58,6 kg	0 kg	4,2 kg	Cukup Baik

(23 komentar) Memperoleh 0,2 kg dalam 1 minggu

14 Desember 2023

I'll record a Journal entry since there are a couple of people here on FS that worry about me when I don't. I'm still here but this has been a hard month for me mentally and emotionally, which of course affects us physically, including our eating. When I wrote three weeks ago our heater was out and I was having shooting pains in my back. The good news is #1. My husband has not hit me again in the last 4 months since that terrible incident in August. #2. After 4 weeks of no heat in our house, we now have a new furnace. And #3. My back, though painful when doing anything for more than a few minutes is not having those terrible shooting pains. Although I am very grateful to the Lord for having a dry roof over my head, a warm place to sleep, all the food I want, and nobody is shooting at us (yet) I spent most of the last month pretty depressed, which I must admit has caused me to lose control of much of my eating. The only redeeming thing in that department is that I almost always intermittently fast for about 16 hours a day. It does help keep the calories down, but I do it as much for my brain as for not gaining weight. I haven't weighed myself for about 3 days not even wanting to know the truth, but last time was less than an additional pound up since the last time I reported my gaining streak of about 3 pounds. I partake in a dessert nearly every day, wine almost every day while preparing dinner, and even some bread products. Being depressed and putting up with my husband's "antics" I consider them treats to comfort myself but we all know where that leads: to more and more. I realize and acknowledge I am living a difficult life that I am choosing so it is entirely understandable that I splurge for those comforts. But like nearly everyone else I am discomforted when I am gaining weight. It's a pity all those smaller clothes are just there waiting for me to exercise more discipline. I am definitely not suicidal because I want to go to Heaven more than anything. But I admit to last week having my first crying jag in years. And if I knew 100% that I would go straight to Heaven if I committed suicide I "would" do it, because of my husband's threats and abuse. I still do not want to leave, and there is nowhere I want to go. Yes, I am afraid, but not enough to want to leave him. The Lord is so gracious to me, to sustain me, and I am grateful. I praise Him continually. And resist Satan...

(8 komentar)

22 November 2023

Happy Thanksgiving all. I had wanted to go volunteer at the Rescue Mission tomorrow that is serving a big Thanksgiving dinner but my back has been giving me fits of shooting pains for about a week. I wouldn't be able to help serve. So I'm making a turkey dinner for just the 2 of us. Last night was the first time in 3 months that I got scared of my husband, but nothing happened. Actually he's been more cranky for a couple of weeks. Our furnace has been "wonky" for a week now and he was mad at himself and me. We aren't cold yet because the weather has been so mild. Was 74 yesterday. We changed the thermostat and washed the filter but it didn't help. The repairman is coming today. I so appreciate all the support I have received. I don't feel so alone.

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
57,6 kg	0 kg	3,2 kg	Cukup Baik

(4 komentar) berat badan stabil

15 November 2023

Twice yesterday, before I had a chance to eat anything (I fast 16/8) my husband said to me: "You eat too much". At first, I thought: he doesn't want to pay for my food. Now I think I just don't measure up to all the young girls he "watches" for hours on the computer. Even if I go back to 104 like 2 years ago I won't look any different without clothes. I can't turn back the clock and I can't exercise enough (with my back) to make myself look any better. I feel so stupid for listening to him or letting my feelings get hurt.

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
57,6 kg	0 kg	3,2 kg	Buruk

(34 komentar) Memperoleh 0,3 kg dalam 1 minggu

24 Oktober 2023

I gained 17 lbs after our daughter died, from 118 up to 135, which was about 3 sizes on me from a tight 6 to a 12. Having lost almost 4" in height, and an old age figure I don't carry it well. But I had to give up most wine, desserts, and bread products to lose. Even so, that's very slow for most people. But age and loss of exercise from painful sciatica affected me a lot. The sciatica is so much better so I gently jog on a "Rebounder" which is a little mini-trampoline. I did 50 minutes today for the first time in a couple of years. It's averaged about 30 minutes for nearly 2 months. Saturday will be my 82nd Birthday and I won't reach my goal but it doesn't matter. I'm just glad I'm losing. Seven lbs more to go in this last yo-yo round of up and down. I would like to imagine that when I lose all I want to, I could stay down, but I never have. Once upon a time about 20 years ago, I gave up desserts for 6 years. Now I am averaging wine once a month, and a dessert every 2 weeks so I can lose. That's my compromise for now. Bread products are tough: I'm averaging having something in that category once every 4 days.

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
56,7 kg	0 kg	2,3 kg	Cukup Baik

(17 komentar) Kehilangan 0,1 kg dalam 1 minggu

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